Chapter 11: There is a spirit called YY*
*[YY also means to fantasize]
I had experienced Xu Wei Yu’s fantasizing spirit long ago but to tell the truth, compared to my university dorm mates, his was still somewhat ‘inferior’.
1. YY men
During our time in the university dorms, our three main topics were: money, including robbing banks, fortunetelling and calculating the lottery with horoscopes; men, including reality and fantasy; time travelling, including the Jurassic Period and how to save the world in 2012.
The first recorded topic is, men.
In our dorm, topics about men were always started by the Dorm Leader.
She usually thought about it then lay on the bed with her arms and legs sprawled open before shouting, “Lan Lan, bring on a man!”
All kinds of vulgar.
Lan Lan would usually be playing games and without turning her head, “What kind of taste this time?”
Dorm Leader: “Delicate and pretty.”
Lan Lan: “Okay! One delicate and pretty for bed no 4!”
This was still considered good. Many times when we walked in the streets, Dorm Leader would suddenly point at a profile in the front and say, “That one in front, that one in front, I want that one in the front!”
That was the most vulgar expression and tone I’ve ever seen.
Expert: “This one really is quite good.”
Lan Lan: “Tch, then let Qing Xi go get him? We’ll move after seeing him clearly. Dorm Leader, outside goods cost three times as much ah.”
Dorm Leader: “Don’t worry, sis has money!”
Me: “Why do I have to take the lead?”
Lan Lan: “Because your sense of presence is weak.”
Lan Lan: “Look ah, Expert doesn’t go out without looking like a ghost, Dorm Leader is too vulgar and my murderous intent is too strong whereas, you don’t have the potential of attacking, your looks are average and the atmosphere around you is calm. Even if you walk around him twice, he still might not notice you so don’t worry, go!”
Expert: “Do I knock him unconscious? And Ah Lan, you drag him back to the dorm?”
Dorm Leader: “Then I’ll go on the bed to wait ha!”
Lan Lan: “Come back! Dorm Leader, that person is a bit too tall, I reckon we won’t be able to drag him back. Let’s talk it over, can you just settle it outside? No big deal, we can just halve the price.”
Dorm Leader acted bashful, “Field operation? I’m too shy ah, I’m still a virgin.”
Lan Lan: “Tch, okay big maiden, if it’s like this then we can only let Qing Xi help pull a leg.”
Lan Lan: “Don’t worry Qing Xi, I will give you higher wages.”
It officially started, half real half YY. I only needed to go up and listen to what they were saying, it was best if I could hear what that guy was called, come back to report it and my mission would be considered finished.
However, as soon as the me who supposedly could walk twice around him and not be spotted walked over, with ten meters still between us, that person turned his head and saw me then stared at me.
When I calmly decided to walk around, he greeted me, “Hi, Gu Qing Xi, are you going to class?”
“No……I just finished class.”
“Mhm, I’m going to class. When you’re free, come and eat with me.”
That person walked off with his classmates, Dorm Leader and the others ran over to ask me, “Who is that person? Qing Xi you know him?”
“I don’t know him.”
Til today, I still don’t remember who that person was.
2. YY time travel.
Dorm Leader: “In this era, if it’s not fantasizing about time traveling to the palace then it’s fantasizing about time traveling to a fort, it’s too boring! I say that if I can choose, I’ll definitely choose to time travel to the age of dinosaurs.”
Lan Lan whose interest was waning immediately became interested, “This is good, I like it! When do we go, I’ll go and prepare!”
Plastic surgery expert: “I’ll bring some sunblock and it’s best to bring an umbrella too. Oh, my tent, healthcare products, beauty products!”
Dorm Leader: “That side is filled with dinosaurs, real dinosaurs, who will look at your face ah.”
Me: “Can I not go……Next week I have my level 6 exams.”
Dorm Leader: “Is level six important or dinosaurs important!?”
They don’t have a point of comparison though?
Finally, I still went time travelling.
Gobi Desert ah, goshawks ah, sand dunes ah, scorching sun ah, devastation everywhere ah.
Who chose this place ah?
Dorm Leader: “I chose it, of course we need to choose somewhere challenging! Should we choose a beautiful place to compose a song with the T-rex, ‘only envy dinosaurs don’t envy gods?’ ”
Lan Lan: “Boss, you’re too vulgar.”
Plastic Surgery Expert: “Enough enough, we’re already here! There is a cave over there, I’ll go and see if it can be turned into our den?” Expert gracefully went over, pulling a pink suitcase along.
I put my stuff down, I only carried a bag and inside was food and a level six test paper.
Me: “What do we do next?”
Dorm Leader looked around with a pair of binoculars, “Why are there no dinosaurs ah? There seems to be a steep cliff over there, I’ll go and look, Qing Xi do you want to come too?”
“I’m so tired, I’ll sit for a while, you guys go.” I sat on a large rock in the shadows right away.
Dorm Leader: “You just came but you’re tired already!? Fine, I’ll go with Lan Lan, don’t wander off ah. Wahahaha I’ll definitely be the first person to see dinosaurs!”
Lan Lan gave me her luggage bag. Dorm Leader only carried along an army knife along with binoculars and a torch.
I sat there and looked around, it was still desolate.
Thus, I started doing the test paper……
N time later.
I saw Lan Lan rushing madly towards me, kicking up the dust behind her.
Lan Lan: “Qing Xi! There are handsome guys!”
I resisted the impulse to swear and broke off the YY.
“Dorm Leader, didn’t we YY to the Gobi Desert because you only wanted to see dinosaurs and not handsome men?”
Dorm Leader lay on the bed and gracefully turned to her side, her bottom facing me.
“Aye, I thought about it and there can’t not be any handsome men ah, even in the age of dinosaurs. Moreover, they’ve also come in a group to see the dinosaurs and meeting them is just ‘ape shit’*”.
*[The pinyin for ‘ape shit’ also sounds like ‘fate’]
Fine, there’s not much difference between doing level six in the Gobi Desert or on the desk in the dorm anyway.
Returned to Gobi Desert, YY continues.
Lan Lan panted and pointed at the steep cliff, “Just then Dorm Leader and I ran over to the steep cliff and saw people being attacked by Pterosaurs! We were both very surprised, there are three reasons for being surprised: first, there are actually real dinosaurs! Second, there are actually people! Three, fuck, they’re actually handsome guys! Ah Dorm immediately took out her torch and shone it on the dinosaurs, shine one die one! We saved the handsome guy group! It’s currently like this. I ran over here first to tell you, what should we do next?
Me: “Wait, isn’t that……just a torch?”
Lan Lan: “Dorm Leader said that it’s a torch that can be converted into a laser gun, it’s called arousing* torch for short……Qing Xi what’s wrong? Are you okay!”
*[Laser= ji guang (激光). The ji (激) can also mean arousing/stimulating]
“I’m not sure why I suddenly feel a bit disgusted and nauseous?”
“Are you pregnant? What to do what to do? Young Master Xu is currently hundreds of millions of years away in Germany! How do we contact him?”
When we went back, Expert had already cleaned up the cave (it was originally dull inside). She had put up the tent and put a pink bed sheet as a mat beside the tent.
In the front was a small chair and on it was a lit candle. Expert was currently on the bed sheet doing yoga!
It suddenly felt like we were time travelling back to the present.
Sure enough, Dorm Leader was shocked and immediately came back, “Expert, must you be doing exercises right now! We are currently in the age of dinosaurs! Age of dinosaurs! Please put in a bit more professionalism OK?!”
Expert was painting her nails, “I have nothing to do, then what do you want me to do?”
Lan Lan: “Aiya boss, actually compared to Qing Xi doing level 6 in the Gobi Desert, Expert is much more dedicated.”
Dorm Leader was exasperated and finally clenched her teeth and said, “Okay, you all come back with me and continue to YY!” Dorm Leader pretended to have just come into the cave, “Sisters, listen carefully! Just then I have made friends with the handsome guy group on the steep cliff, in the future, we can talk about our heartfelt feelings with them! From today onward, when we all have free time, we can go look at the dinosaurs together and occasionally we can you chase I catch!”
In the next second, Dorm Leader had already YYed back into the Gobi Desert, in the setting sun, golden sand, one boy one girl, one dinosaur, in slow motion, Dorm Leader: “Ahahahaha, come chase me ah……Come chase me ah……Ahahaha……you can’t catch me, you can’t catch me.”
Lan Lan couldn’t watch it any longer: “Dorm Leader, there is a dragon who can spit fire behind you, be careful ah! Ah Dorm! Sigh, how did she just get scorched like that.”
Dorm Leader: “……”
3. YY Bank
University dorm group.
During university, we had YYed about robbing a bank many times but a pig-like person always appeared so we never succeeded before.
This time Dorm Leader decided to try robbing again.
When we were dividing up roles, someone suggested to let Qing Xi keep guard this time.
Dorm Leader: “Is your brain broken! If we let Qing Xi keep guard, would you believe that her mind will go on a spiritual tour to the universe within five minutes!”
Plastic Surgery Expert: “How about letting Lan Lan do it?”
Dorm Leader: “Lan Lan! Ah Expert, has your brain broke after getting fixed again! Would you believe that when the police comes she’ll definitely say I lead you guys to do it? Would you believe that after we get captured, she’ll definitely say that she doesn’t know us!?!”
Lan Lan: “Xiao Dorm ah, you can’t say it like that. People all need to think about themselves ha ha! I will help plead your case in front of the judge.”
Me: “Are we still robbing? If not then I’m going to sleep.”
Dorm Leader: “Look! We haven’t robbed yet but she’s going to sleep!”
Lan Lan: “How about this, Expert will keep guard, Dorm Leader and I will wear the silk stockings, Qing Xi will be a reinforcement, how does this sound?”
Dorm Leader: “……Okay then, we haven’t tried this combination before, let’s try it out!”
Official YY robbery.
Dorm Leader and Lan Lan put on the silk stockings.
Lan Lan looked in the mirror, “Is it too ugly?”
Dorm Leader: “It’s not like you’re going to match make! Be a little more professional OK?!”
Plastic Surgery Expert: “Enough, stop shouting, Qing Xi is nearly asleep.”
Dorm Leader: “Fine fine fine, quickly quickly! Go to sleep after the robbery. Then Expert will get off the car in front of the bank, keep attention to your surroundings at all times and report back! Qing Xi will drive to that alley in the back to wait, after we assemble again, we’ll drive out of the alley to the warehouse I had bought earlier! Is everyone clear? I don’t believe that we can’t succeed this time. Lan Lan, let’s go!”
Me: “Dorm Leader, can I say something……”
Dorm Leader: “There’s no time, Qi Xi be good, whatever you want to say, say it after we’ve succeeded!”
N time later, prison.
Me: “Dorm Leader, what I wanted to say to you was that I feel Expert……will call the police the second after you two go in……”
Plastic Surgery Expert sat outside the window, playing with her pretty nails. Her lips lightly turned upwards into an elegant smile, “I only didn’t want you guys to go astray is all.”
Dorm Leader and Lan Lan: “Fuck!”
Me: “I’m going back into the prison cell, so tired.”
This time, it was the fastest we’ve gotten arrested in the history of YY robbery.
Later, after we graduated, Dorm leader went to work at a bank. As soon as she started, she said, “In working at a bank, there is nothing more painful than the money going through your hands that isn’t even yours!”
However even thus, Dorm leader still carried a strange excitement to working in the bank. We only understood this a long time later.
One year after Dorm Leader started working, we YYed a bank robbery once more. Dorm Leader became the ‘industrial insider’ and gave valuable advice as well as becoming a planted agent.
However, that time it still failed because, in the middle, I went to sleep.
The day later I went to look through the chat history, Dorm Leader: “Where’s Qing Xi? Fuck, where’s our reinforcement person?!”
Expert: “She probably went to sleep, eh, let’s all go wash up and sleep.”
Lan Lan: “Sigh, tomorrow I have to get up early to go to work, sleep sleep.”
Dorm Leader: “Oi, I’m still inside the treasury room ah ah ah! Oi oi!!”
4. Dorm group day to day ridicule section
Expert: “Sigh, recently lots of people around me are getting married, pressure ah! In our dorm, Qing Xi is the first to get married, give some pointers darling!”
Lan Lan: “Qing Xi always takes the lead. I feel the next one will be me. I no longer carry any hope for the other two.”
Expert: “You? Heh, unless that person is a masochist. I reckon that Dorm Leader has possibility, when she’s excited she’ll……”
Lan Lan: “Dorm Leader’s problem is that there’s no point in her being excited ah, the guy isn’t even excited ah.”
Me: “But from what I heard, isn’t it Dorm Leader who dumps them?”
Lan Lan: “Who did you hear it from?!”
Me: “Dorm Leader.”
Lan Lan and Expert: “……Fuck!”
Dorm Leader: “Girls, I’m here la la la la! What are you all talking about……”
Dorm Leader: “Fuck!”
Expert: “Dorm Leader, why did you call everyone together today for? Forget about robbing the bank, you always end up in jail, aren’t you sick of it?”
Dorm Leader flipped out when she heard this: “Who was the one pulled my leg causing the result of me repeatedly going to jail? Ah! Going to sleep halfway through the robbery, going to call the police at that instant, going to the toilet when the fight starts, suddenly wanting to put on makeup when we were being pursued, when we got caught, not saying the words we had prepared earlier but immediately saying that it was completely my idea, please let us go! Freaking hell, the reason why my plans which are so detailed and perfect fails every time is all because of you pig-like friends!”
Lan Lan: “Ah Dorm, you can’t say it like that.”
Dorm Leader: “Get lost! From today onward, I will roam about to the ends of the world alone, rob banks alone, succeed alone, have lots of men alone, wahahahahahaha!”
Lan Lan: “Lastly, go to jail alone.”
Dorm Leader: “……”
As long as Dorm Leader sees an advanced obscene joke online, she’ll read it out to share with us. Usually it was when everyone else was quiet (ignorant, pondering deeply), me: “Pft!”
Dorm leader: “……It turns out that Qing Xi is the true lewd one?!”
Lan Lan: “……This is the legendary black horse.”
Expert: “I’ve slept with her for so long but I didn’t even realize!”
Me: “Actually speaking from another perspective, this can also mean how much intelligence we have ah.”
Expert blew on her just painted nails: “Boss, is she hinting that our intelligence is low?”
Dorm Leader: Young Xi never hints, she says things clearly. Because her tone is very gentle, it is easy to create a wrong impression.”
Lan Lan: “It’s already come to this, hit.”
I sweated: “Dorm Leader, I want to say one last word.”
Lan Lan: “Don’t! Usually when Qing Xi says one last word, she has the ability to turn the tides around.”
Dorm Leader: “What are you afraid of, I’m here. I’m someone with lots of principle! Speak!”
Me: “Eh, there’s an exam on international economics the day after tomorrow, I’ve prepared all the resources.”
Dorm Leader: “Hit what hit! Can Qing Xi be hit so easily? Expert stop painting your nails, Qing Xi doesn’t like the smell of chemicals. And also you Lan Lan, always shouting hit shouting kill, do you think we’re a mafia?!” Then she looked at me with a kind face, “Qing Xi ah, I heard that recently Young Master Xu is going to fly over to see you, our Qing Xi has so much charm, look at that small face, look at those big watery eyes, look at those dark red little lips……”
Expert: “Boss, to be honest, I’ve seen lecherous people but I’ve never seen someone as lecherous as you. I’m going to phone Young Master Xu to tell him that you’re assailing his wife with obscenities.”
These days are quickly being forgotten, since I still remember, I’ll write it down. Although ordinary, these are very valuable.
In life you’ll always end up bumping into a group of people who will make you want to go back to the past.